Story from Lean on me by Tor Roxburg and the Lean on me sexual assault support group
When I was a child, my mother always told me to be wary of strangers and never speak to anyone I didn’t know. My father never showed me any affection: he seemed like a stranger to me. But because he was my father, I felt I could trust him. When I was about seven, dad began to hit and abuse me. I was too afraid to tell anyone. When I was about eight, mum started sticking up for me, but dad would hit her as well. My father smoked marijuana which made him wild.
I remember one when I was ten I changed the TV channel and dad raised his fist and hit me in the face five times. He broke my jaw and gave me a black eye. Later on that night he got a cigarette and burnt my forehead. You can see the scars. I began to hate him more and more until eventually I wouldn’t go anywhere with him. He hit me from when I was seven to fourteen.
When I was about fourteen I got sick of home and went to stay with some friends of mine in Melbourne. We had a party one night and decided to get drunk-I just wanted to forget it and have fun. Even though I was drunk, I still knew what I was doing. At about three in the morning I went to bed. They party was still going.
I was lying in bed with all my clothes on and a man came into my room. He asked me to go out to his van with him but I said no. Then he started to threaten me. He dragged me out to the window and raped and bashed me in the street. He penetrated me, inside my mouth and ear. It was disgusting. No matter what I did, I couldn’t stop him.
I went home the next day and sat around feeling sorry for myself- telling myself it was all my fault. I cried for weeks and weeks but I didn’t tell my mother what had happened because I though she would hit me and tell me to stop lying. I told my boyfriends who was very caring and helpful. Two months later I found out I was pregnant but I didn’t tell my boyfriend. I was fifteen. The only person I felt I could tell was my cousin who was seventeen. She helped me through and abortion.
The man who raped me had bashed me badly. I was throwing up blood and my insides were wounded and bruised. My cousin and I became very close but I was still living at home, being beaten by my father. I was scared of my father, brothers and older males.
The rapist found me and knew that I had an abortion. He said, ‘You killed my kid and I’m gonna kill you’. He still threatens me and follows me everywhere. Welfare took me out of home and my father also threatened to kill me. I was too scared to tell police about the rape and about my father’s threats.
I’m really scared of what will happen when the rapist finds me again. I know he will get me soon or later and he’ll kill if he gets the chance. I cry myself to sleep every night. I’m so fearful. I wish my life was normal. I may act happy but my heart is broken and nothing will heal the pain, anger, sorrow and worry I feel.